What I’ve learned so far in life is that we all have a journey that is destined for us to take. It doesn’t matter where you come from, or what your background is we all fight demons they just come in many different forms. We each have obstacles we have to over come it just depends on what path we take to do so that defines who we are.
I used to think being plus sized was my curse in life. I remember being in middle school thinking I have a good family, we aren’t rich but we aren’t poor. I get good grades, I’m smart, and I’m funny. If only I were also beautiful my life would be too easy. Trust me I know I’m blessed I know that there are so many people in this world who have it way worse than I ever could have imagined. But it was a huge amount of stress and literal and emotional weight on my life.
I looked different than mostly every kid I knew, I could never wear what I wanted, I didn’t have boys chasing after me, I couldn’t eat whatever I wanted, and all of that caused me so much anxiety. For instance little things to most people like getting in the back of a two seater car or even worrying if I was going to fit in a desk comfortably. I can remember since literally forever feeling self-aware and self conscious and that caused major anxiety in my life. I was always so worried about what others thought. I was used to being made fun of by some classmates, never ever was the pretty one in my family, and was always worried about meeting new people because I thought all they would see me as just this fat little girl. As an adult I found working out and eating healthy as much as possible has helped me loose weight, but I struggle with consistency among other things. But working on my weight issues is also a constant battle.
I have struggled and still do struggle with anxiety and depression. I’ve been through a break up with someone I thought I was going to marry. I have a baby and no real life plan. I’m scared of the what if’s . What if I don’t do this will I regret it? I’m scared of change and success. I’m so used to things coming easy that when I fail my whole life seems to crumble. I have heard people talk about this millienials complex. Where my generation has so many issues because we are used to instant gratification. Which I think happened to me to some extent. Because I was self conscious I used material things and food to make me feel better. To feel like I had to have more than others, to finally have something to feel good about.
Like I said before don’t get me wrong I had an amazing childhood, I got and still get more than an average person but I just wanted to share those things that I may have never even said out loud before. I’ve learned that I am so much more than my appearance. I understand things in a different perspective, and I use my great personality to get me places in life. Not trying to toot my own horn but I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m over here self loathing! Lol
Now a days more clothing lines, and even on social media people are more accepting of being plus sized. And I think it is really helping more people like me learn to have more self-love, people like me who have been told by society all their lives that they aren’t enough. I think with all the recent celebrity over doses, and deaths people are starting to pay attention to mental health. It is so important to share and talk about because mental health is REAL! It is a pattern that some people don’t even realize they have. I urge you to share who you are, and then to realize it is normal because it is your truth, and is part of your story. I think it is important to realize those things and work on them. I feel like anxiety is an everyday battle. I can either let it cripple me or I can get up and move forward. It is a conscious choice you have to make everyday. And eventually you keep chipping away at that and end up not having to fight as hard anymore.
I know becoming a parent has helped so much with all of my issues. Sarai helps me experience the world all over again. She helps me get out of a bad mood and also pushes me to be more present. I now more than ever understand parents, and grandparents. Before they were parents, they were people going through their own issues. So yes sometimes as parents we don’t make the best decisions and we don’t act the right way but that is because we are going through shit! It doesn’t just fall away because you have a baby. But as a parent I do feel 100 percent that it is your decision to constantly try your best and adjust to be a better person to not put your negative issues onto your child. I also want to embrace who I am the ups and downs for Sarai so she sees how to embrace challenge and not fear it. I want her to be proud and know that her mom despite her personal issues followed her passions, started her own business, slayed co-parenting, all while making her feel loved and important. That is my goal!
Life is creating a balance. With friendships, family, work, and self-love. Just never stop fighting for you, and remember that you are beautiful no matter your size, shape or color. You matter, you do have a place in this world, and you will thrive. Just don’t be scared to open up to the world and more importantly yourself.