Letter To My Dad…

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Hey Dad, what’s up? How have you been in Heaven? I am sure you are up there smoking a cigar at a black jack table, talking about some amazing food you just ate, or a new business idea you have. Making everyone at the table around you feel important, while they spend the night laughing because of your funny jokes. 

So much has happened since you have been gone but I am sure you have been there every step of the way. Well actually I’m postive of that. The way things happened in my life ever since your body left earth have played out in such a specific way that I know your hand was in it. 

Where do I start?! Well you always said you wanted to retire at the age of 30. And you said it with such conviction that everyone started to believe you. And guess what you pretty much did a few years after that. You left this world to retire to the best place you possibly could. I was always so shy and reserved and you tried to push me to try things like sports, or events that took me out of my comfort zone. Which majority of the time you failed because mom wouldn’t make me do it. Lol As soon as you passed, I instantly felt that you gave me all the best parts of you. I became confident, more open to trying new things. I was going into high school without anyone I knew and just followed my own path and figuered it out. I met some of my best friends, graduated being a part of so many clubs, student government and yearbook! Involved in things like you were and I probably would have never done before. And as I grew older more and more of you has started to come out. I never knew what my thing in life was. What I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. But I just followed my heart and passions and it has always lead me in the right places. You always said you wanted to be your own boss. Which you were successful at, and look at me now trying to figure out my niche so I can build my life the same way. Also some of your bad habbits have come out as well so I would appreciate if you could dial those back a little bit Lol I got agressive with a complete stranger because they showed disrespect to my family out in public, I hate wearing my seat belt, I’m impatient, I am so emotional yet so stubborn at the same time! Lol But on a postive note your charisma has carried on and helped me connect so much with people in my life. Your postivity, geneoristy, and taste in music has made my adult life. You also taught me to value my love for family traditons and culture, and I want Sarai to grow up the same way. I could go on and on but you already know all of these things!

I also have to say thank you for sending me Gabriel. Crazy that the moment I met him, and noticed his praying hand tattoo with the words “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” Literally blew my mind. The Lord’s prayer was your favorite, you wore it on a pendant with your cross necklace every day. He challenged me in every way you would have. He calls me out when I am wrong, challenges me to get out of my comfort zone, and he gave me a beautiful daughter. He screams at the TV and probably loves basketball just about as much as you do.I know you helped plan that out for him to be in my life. And even though things haven’t worked out for us relationship wise, friendship wise it was almost like having what I missed from you. 

Where do I start with Sarai?! Seriously she is you in a little baby girls body. She is crazy, full of life, loves people, and literally is obssessed with making other people happy, smile and laugh. She reminds us all of you in so many ways. I know you guys talk because I have asked her. In my old place she used to be half asleep and say hi and sound like she was talking to someone. So one morining Gabriel and I asked her who she talks to and she clapped her hands to match with the syllabols and said “Pa-Pa.” We looked at each other crazy because she was only like 11 months old! But I know how connected you two are, and am so thankful you know her. 

I think now in life we would have had an amazing relationship. Your mentorship when it came to life plans and business would have been priceless. The connections, and friendships you had could have helped you and me rule the town. When I was a teenager we would butt heads a lot, well we always did. I understand now it was because we were so much alike. What I also understand more now being a parent is that you struggled with your own demons, and may not have always made the best and safest descions when it came to certain situations. But when I was a kid living it I judged, and held grudges instead of seeing past it. I always regretted not being kinder to you before you left. But I know it was my age, my young thoughts. Being a parent has taught me so much about life. Even when I try to be perfect I struggle, and sometimes I feel like I am not cut out for the job. But your example has shown me that no matter what we are going through the amount of love we have and how we show up as a parent is what matters more than anything in the world. Right after I found out the news that you had passed, I was walking out of the hospital and I remember Uncle Les, your best friend was walking in. He hugged me so tight and in my ear just told me how much you loved me and how proud you were always of me no matter what I did. And I just want everyone in the world to know how much I adore and love Sarai, and am not afriad to brag about her.  I always used to say you would literally give every item you owned plus the clothes off your back to help out the ones you loved. You loved and cared for everyone so deeply that they felt at home with you. I hope I have and do bring that joy to others.

Everyone misses you here, but your presence has never felt gone. You live on through me, your family, and your smile. Thank you for being up there watching over me, guiding me through life every step of the way. I hope this reaches you while your smoking, listening to Rappers Delight, and laughing. 

Love you always

I have talked about my dad passing away but never gone into details. This subject was always something I never talked about because my young self pushed all of those feelings deep inside to prove I was strong, to not be weak like everyone expected me to be. But now at this point of my life its not hard for me to talk about, it actually brings me a joyful feeling. I talk to my dad all the time. I wanted to share this letter to bring insight to something pretty deep for me. It has been around 13 years since he has been gone. And I just want to let anyone out there who is hurting from the loss of a loved one know, it gets better. And I pray that my letter gives you hope in that the person you lost will always have a hand in your life in the most unepected ways. They will always watch over you and still show up for you. Death is a tough subject for me. It gives me strong anxiety to where I have to shake the feeling away, I will be in the middle of a movie or a class and get instant tingles from head to toe. But I have learned that things aren’t always final, and I hope my story does the same for you.

xoxo

M

(P.S. I got home from the gym Tuesday evening , took a shower and this idea just came to me. I wrote it so quick because the memory and idea was so fresh in my mind. Fast forward two days later my cousin Jada mentioned to me that the 10th was the anniversary of my dad’s passing. The 10th of July was last Tuesday. After hearing that it instantly gave me goosebumps. Thought I had to share, it’s crazy how he still communicates with me and through me.)

 

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